The French and Infidelity
A conversation with friends the other day got me to thinking about the issue of infidelity in French culture, and I have more questions than answers. I have some familiarity with French society. I speak French a shade less than fluently, have been to France and explored its beautiful cities and provinces, studied it as my minor in college, have had two French girlfriends and one of them I ended up marrying. The marriage, of course, ended after 10 months when I caught her cheating on me. In fact this conversation came up because a mutual American friend of mine and my soon to be ex-wife revealed to me that she was surprised one day when my wife privately told her that "Cheating is normal in my country, it's not a big deal."
So, while I'm no cultural scholar, I think I have some things to say both about French culture and about infidelity. An author by the name of Christiann Anderson had this to say about infidelity in French culture:
Cheating is as French as Brie, and the French consider themselves sophisticated when it comes to dealing with physical configurations. Moreover, the French do not view infidelity the same way we do in the United States. Of course, many French do not support the 'infidelity' philosophy, but, in France, the concept of cheating on one's spouse does not necessarily mean that you must give up your family life. In other words, having a lover, and having a spouse is not a trade off.
I am thoroughly confused by this supposed "observation" about French culture, which represents a popular view of the French. Admittedly, it's consistent with my cheating French wife's conclusions about French culture as well. Still, I suspect that it is more based on people's wild imagination about some romantic la-la land that doesn't exist in reality, than it is on actual sociological studies or concrete evidence.
First, my familiarity and direct exposure to French people have given me examples of families who were torn apart and devastated by marital infidelity. In one family I know, for example, the husband's cheating did NOT result in his wife "looking the other way" or whatever it is the Christiann Andersons of the world think betrayed French spouses do. It did result in the children in the family suffering immensely upon the affair's discovery, and being traumatized. It ripped the family apart and they barely survived as a unit. The emotional effects of the husband's affair on the entire family lingered for years after it ended.
Second, I just don't believe that infidelity plays any role at all in true marriages, French or otherwise. And perhaps therein lies the answer. Perhaps infidelity is accepted to some degree in French culture as simply a reality that exists within dysfunctional marriages. Therefore, the French do not so much "accept infidelity" as they "accept that dysfunctional marriages exist in our culture". They do this as opposed to putting on some make-believe show about wonderful marriages, which is what we Americans love to do. How many times, for example, have you encountered people who seemed like the "perfect couple" in a lovely marriage, and some years later you heard about their falling apart and divorcing? The couple maintained an illusion until they finally gave up. Maybe, in France, there is no societal pressure to maintain such illusions.
The alternative to my theory is just absurd and unworkable. To suggest that infidelity is really and truly "accepted" by a French wife who loves her French husband is nonsense. Does it make any sense to you that a human being who has genuine emotional feelings of love for another human being, would feel no pain by learning that her husband had betrayed their relationship? My wife betrayed me 2 months after my dad passed away, with whom I was very close. Surely, being in need of emotional support from a spouse is not something that French people are somehow immune to, for "cultural" reasons. Surely, a French husband or wife who experienced what I have experienced would not shrug the shoulders and say, "Ah well, c'est la vie."
Perhaps my wife expected, at least at some level in the back of her mind, that if I ever discovered her infidelity I would somehow accept it. Judging from her reaction when I filed for divorce (shock, and now anger and hatred), I think I am probably right about that. She probably expected to still be able to rely on me for emotional and financial support as her husband, and father her children, and just live life for many years together whether or not she cheated. But I know that my intolerance of her unfaithfulness was and is not "cultural", which is why I object to Christiann Anderson's "observations" as being over-simplistic. I have clear memories of moments during our marriage when I now know she was betraying me, at times when I desperately needed her because of what I was going through but she was unavailable. The pain of that emotional abandonment was and is not cultural. It is universal to anyone who would be in my shoes.
Maybe the French simply accept that lying, cheating, unfaithful people exist in their culture, but that doesn't change the fact that lying, cheating, and being unfaithful are character flaws that would prevent, for example, a French woman from starting a relationship with such a man, if a genuine relationship is what she really wants.
I don't know. I don't have the answers. All I know is that I have not changed. I've learned a lot, but I have not changed. What little tolerance I may have once had for dishonesty has disappeared. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be in a sham marriage for the sake of convenience. I guess ex-W didn't know me well enough to know that about me. There are plenty of men out there, American and French, who feel differently. Women like my wife should seek out one of them, leaving the rest of society to enjoy the fruits of an honest relationship with each other. I don't believe there is a "French approach to marriage". There is marriage and there is dysfunction, and I will always choose marriage.
posted by The Uncivil Litigator at Saturday, February 12, 2005
26 Comments:
The French School could be why the French and their western European counterparts are not having enough children to replace their population.
I am a man, and I would never have a joint checking account with a woman who subscribes to the French mockery of a civil (and for me spiritual) institution, much less bring another life into this world.
Do not apologize for your lack of comprehension, there is nothing to relevant to comprehend, aside from the hollowness of rationalizations for infidelity.
I appreciate the wisdom of particularly that last sentence.
I agree with you that there is no excuse for infidelity. Human males unconsciously fear (born out in something astronomical like 10% of children) unwittingly raising other men's children as their own. Whether from a spiritual or biological standpoint, at least as men, tolerating the infidelity of spouses is untenable. All humans know this through native instinct, and this is why all complex religions forbid infidelity. That the French and their Bohemian sympathizers would try to excuse themselves through faulty logic is not surprising.
As a woman lawyer who was divorced by her husband after 18 years of marriage and 3 children, when he couldn't agree to recommit to the relationship after a number of affairs, can I just say that I think more men than women are unfaithful in their marriages. I know thatthe numbers may be shifting some, but still it seems to be very male dominated.
Interesting topic. There's no question in my mind that the way we think about "infidelity" is cultural. In the abstract, it's not at all obvious why it's OK for a spouse to go to lunch with an opposite-sex friend but not OK to spend that lunch hour in a hotel room. I think it has something to do with sex with another seeming threatening to the future of the marriage in a way that emotional closeness with another isn't, but again, it's not obvious why that is. It seems like it ought to be possible to have a culture in which the occasional sexual liaison outside of marriage didn't have to threaten the marriage, and that would be attractive in some ways. But--and this is a big but--there's a lot of history in a lot of cultures to suggest that it very seldom works that way.
First, since I've learned a lot more about the psychology and sociology of affairs than I ever thought I'd have to, I can say that statistics do not support the view that men have significantly more affairs than women. The number of affairs by both genders in all marriages is pretty shocking, though. I am stunned by the number of my friends and colleagues who came forward to disclose to me that they'd suffered through a spouse having an affair, as their way of comforting me. Interestingly, many of them remained in their marriages and some of those marriages are good and strong ones.
As for the last comment, to me and most people it IS quite obvious why my having lunch with a female friend is different from my spending an hour in a hotel room with her. Emotional and sexual loyalty are essential ingredients of any "committed" relationship, otherwise the relationship is not committed. Why bother taking vows? That is how I define marriage and relationships. Of course any person is free to have different definitions. The problem arises when you commit yourself to a relationship without disclosing your "different definition".
None of this applies to me anyway. Rational and cool-headed thinking about the definitions of marriage had nothing to do with what happened to us. My wife is a troubled person with issues I wish I could help her with, which contributed to her making bad choices that destroyed our marriage. Choices that she regrets. If I were just her friend I would still be holding her hand during this difficult period in her life. Unfortunately I'm her husband and, as the person to whom she was closest, I went through a great deal of suffering during what was already a difficult time in my life.
I think maybe you missed that "in the abstract" qualifier. Yes, there's no question we feel differently about the two situations, but that kind of begs the question why. And yes, emotional and sexual loyalty are at the core of what makes a relationship work, but loyalty clearly doesn't mean exclusivity as to emotional matters. We freely accept that our partners have commitments to others--family members, friends, co-workers--that sometimes take them away from us, and only the insanely jealous have a problem with that. It's only when it comes to sex that exclusivity becomes critical. It's not exactly news that we have all kinds of hangups about sex, and since we do, we're better off foregoing the hypothetical pleasures of the occasional extra-marital romp to protect our spouses and our marriages. But is there really anything in human nature that says it has to be that way? Intellectually, I can imagine a world in which the occasional romp was no more threatening than any of the other things our spouses do when they're away from us. Practically, I know damn well that I don't live in that world, and I act accordingly (and expect the same of my spouse). But you started out with the strong claim that such a world is impossible, and that any suggestion that the French can successfully organize their marriages differently than we do just means they're doing it wrong. It's that strong form of the argument that I think is questionable.
And for the record, this is all purely hypothetical and intellectual, not directed to your situation. Thinking about what marriage might become if our culture were different doesn't have anything to do with what marriage is here and now, and much misery results from confusing the two. You're absolutely right that a relationship has to have a common understanding of what the rules are and that breaking the agreed-upon rules is a bad thing. And since this probably isn't the best time for a hypothetical discussion of what marriage could be in a culture different than the one we live in today, I'll leave it at that.
No, I think I see your point and you're explaining it quite well. But I will still challenge the assumption you seem to make, in this case about "French marriages". Maybe I'm not the one properly explaining my point.
A successful and happy French marriage is one where both spouses are loyal to one another. A dysfunctional French marriage is one where, among other things, they are not. Frenchness has nothing to do with it. Where the Frenchness comes in is that the French don't seem to have illusions about the existence of dysfunctional marriages in their society. Nor do they condemn couples who choose to remain together even though they are dysfunctional. They just accept them. But that doesn't change the dysfunctional character of those particular marriages, or the healthy and happy character of strong marriages between French people.
I do understand your point questioning why sexual loyalty necessarily has anything to do with marriage. I would simply respond by noting that a relationship devoid of sexual loyalty is more of a business association than a true marriage, according to my personal definition of marriage (which is the most important definition, after all). There are people who choose this type of marriage and that is their right. But I don't think it's more prevalent among the French than here in the US. More openly accepted yes, but not more prevalent. Kind of like teen sex.
It's true that infidelity is just "not a big deal," in a part of French culture. Specifically, pop-culture. In the same way that law shows on American television have very little to do with the reality of being a lawyer, but substantially shape the ideas of the general public, infidelity is treated very lightly--to the point of being almost a comic prop--in French television and movies, and so it's not surprising that someone French believes that infidelity is common and tolerated among the French.
In the same way that American pop-culture presents a caricature of certain aspects of our society, many of which have only the vaguest corrospondence with reality, in show after show and film after film in French pop-culture, the cheating (and cheated) spouse is a regular part of the French entertainment pantheon.
But in the same way that most people didn't go to high schools where the quarterback of the football team dated the head cheerleader, infidelity isn't a normal part of a French marriage.
And I suspect that rather than a general comment on French culture, your ex-wife's comment to your friend was as much an attemp to rationalize her behavior and mitigate the guilt she didn't expect to be feeling. And her reaction to divorce papers bears this out. Shock and anger aren't likely emotions for someone who's thought about the possible concequences of her actions, they're how someone feels when life doesn't go according to the script.
I'm sorry about the course of events. I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort for you, other than saying that you did the right thing.
This is my first visit to your site and it is excellent. The referral was courtesy of lawreligionculturereview.
Hmmm....the divorce rate in this country is over 50% and more than 50% of marriages according to statistics have been touched by infidelity. What's more is that more and more women are now having affairs than ever before according several articles and books recently published. The rise of infidelity has been covered extensively in the media lately. Is it right? Is it wrong? Who knows. It just IS and that is what we have to deal with. Marriage is an institution that evolved from a polygomous society because it best suited the survival and rearing of offspring after our ancestors became bipedal. It didn't evolve for the purpose of pleasure or fun (not saying it can't be fun)...it evolved out of survival and necessity. In addition, the divorce rate is universally the highest among couples with one child at or slightly over the age of four. This tells sociologists that maybe we humans stick around to pair bond long enough for our offspring to become somewhat self-sufficient and then we begin searching for other partners. By the way, oxytocin, the attachment hormone that causes parents to bond with their young and each other, also suppresses testosterone which is at the heart of the sex drive and "passion". So maybe mother nature (i.e. evolution) never really intended for us to be quite so monogamous. Maybe she wants the passion to die out for a reason so we are driven to seek out other partners. Maybe it is an uphill battle and serial monogamy turns into serial monotony and pair bonding beomes more of pair bondage because it is not within our true nature. Howecver, we then throw in jealously (i.e. mate guarding) which evolved as well and for good reason. This emotion kicks in to keep us alert to our partners seeking other partners. True to evolution, the whole situation then is messy, messy, messy for us humans. So if half of our marriages break up and half of them involve "cheating", maybe we need to consider recreating realistic blueprints and paradigms for our relationships. Much much easier said than done!! Maybe We need to someday step out of the dark ages, consider the facts, and come up with a better solution. Again, not easy! This seems radical now, but it seems at the rate marriage is going, the institution is destined to change. Now for the French...I do believe the French have a term "petite amorie" which means "little love affair" in French. I adore the French culture. They are very pleasure oriented and have very enlightened attitudes toward sex and seduction. I have read over and over that infidelity is not considered that big of a deal over there. Who knows how accurate this is...I suspect we would have to poll alot of French wives! In fact, there is even a time for Frenchmen to meet with their mistresses between 5 pm and 7 pm. (Hopefully, French wives have their designated time too!!!) Anyhow, in light of the bleak divorce/infidelity statistics in America, IF the French have figured a way to have their torte and eat it too, and without wreaking too much havoc on personal lives, then I'll raise my glass of red wine to them anyday.
If infidelity is supposed to be more "normal" than monogamy, why is it so terribly, terribly painful? I am not a religious person but have read the Bible for academic and research purposes. If infidelity is not so bad and monogamy so unnaturally restricting why then throughout history have the stories in the Bible continued to show the pain and suffering of families replaced by second wives, and the children of second families taking the love and affection from their father away from the children of first family and the first wife. If you look at the retelling of these stories throughout the centuries, it records human behavior. The wives become competitive and jealous. The children suffer from low self-esteem and constantly chase their father's love, never to receive it at a normal level. The unmet needs of all the players in these scenarios keep growing. Murders are committed because of the increasing levels of dysfunction in these families because of the convuluted interpersonal dynamics.
Infidelity devasted my marriage and my family. The effects continue. I think of how my child suffers and how much was taken away from him every single night when I go to bed. I will never be able to reconcile that pain fully. The purpose of marriage is to provide mental, emotional, and physical support that serves as an underpinning to support every member of the family for the rest of our lives. It is very, very sad to me that there are those who wish to chase better and better orgasms and have more sexual escapades with more partners, and stay so disconnected, who would like to see marriage disappear in our society. I would choose marriage any day of the week.
And all of this from the one who had the affair. Who now is more of an expert than I about how it happens, what the thought processes are, and how to prevent it? Not many.
Affairs don't happen out of the blue. There is a strong underlying dsyfunction(s) going on in the marriage. And there is no such thing as 50-50% responsibility. Alcoholism is huge. The non-offending partner is not 50% responsible for that. Drug addiction, mental abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, religious abuse, child abuse, hidden homosexuality, bisexuality, gambling addictions, prescription drug addictions, workaholism...all these things are the underlying cause infidelity and divorce.
We all need to be involved in our human services organizations as volunteers to help fight these dysfunctions if we want to stop infidelity and the divorce rate from climbing. So, if the French are staying in dysfunctional marriages where affairs occur, that means they are also hiding the above crimes, addictions, mistreatment, et al. That means that a lot of their families are pressure cookers. Any of the aforementioned issues are huge ones to deal with all by one little ol' lonesome family with no training.
It makes my heart feel good to know that there are still people out there who honor and cherish marriage, and understand it's an undertaking of love, responsibility, and tremendous emotional maturity. To be a partner with someone in this type of marriage is to have accomplished the purpose in life we're here for. I'm not sure there's any greater challenge, nor more sound happiness than to provide a loving environment for your spouse and children so they can go through life with tremendous pride. Ahhh, but I didn't attain it, and my husband of 19 years had lengthy affairs throughout our marriage that I just found out about 3 years ago (he travels a lot). I have tried to stay for my daughter's sake and do counseling, etc. The past two years he has been "clean," but nothing will ever feel the same for me about our life together. All I feel is shame for staying, as he now isn't able to be "intimate" with me. I am a beautiful woman, who now feels ugly as a person, and now see the past as ugly, too. I hope someday to get this all right and find the right path for me.
Well, I am a divorce lawyer, and I have seen the hurt and pain in both men and women due to their spouses' affairs.
Why do spouses cheat? I think it is fair to say that most of them have affairs when they believe their spouses are no longer interested in them. Disinterest, boredom and perhaps some jealousy can breed the right conditions for a spouse to seek someone who tells them that they're appreciated. Some spouses just soldier on and put up with a dying marriage--for the sake of the kids, etc.
Who cheats more? It's got to be men because they have a lot more opportunity... They're the ones who get out and see people in business. They can meet women in the subway, in the coffee shop, the elevator, the next office... They also have control of a lot of discretionary money. Most women have to deal with school schedules, after-school soccer, etc., and their opportunities are greatly curtailed. However...I know some wives who have had absolutely no problem finding a man...Simply amazing, some of them....
Should one divorce upon the discovery of an affair? It really depends upon the reason why the affair happened in the first place. Is the spouse just a serial adulterer? Out for the thrill? Is the marriage burning out--but salvageable? Was it merely a mistake or a deliberate relationship? Each spouse has to really take some time to figure out where the marriage should go. There is so much shared history in a marriage...and the effects of divorce ARE devastating on children. However, many who are involved in an affair and a divorce are so mixed up with their emotions, that they just cannot deal with either situation very well. Guilt, anger, hormones...what a brew!
And we haven't even touched on the possibility of acquiring diseases...
And divorce lawyers are so bloody expensive....(but worth it!)
As the (divorcing) wife of a serial adulterer, I am one who takes the position that Marriage is supposed to mean something. If people do not believe in the vows, they have no business pretending and extracting from another person, that which they cannot or will not repciprocate: FIdelity, Trust, Honor, Respect, Loyalty, so on and so forth. It is easy to state that we human beings may not be able to be monogamous. Problem is, though, that such is a crock of horse_ _ _ _. If many men and women on our planet, have little trouble exercising that little thing called: Self-Restraint...then everyone, whom is mentally and emotionally well that is...can follow suit. Truth is, some people are (too) selfish, narcissistic, mentally and/or emotionally challenged, or just plain immature, to invoke their God-given dignity quotient...in order to do so. A child I would expect to proclaim himself or herself as "not able to help it". Not a grown man or woman! If I can stop myself from robbing a bank, I can stop myself from cheating! Period. Both are: wrong. Both involve availing myself to that which I have no (justified) claim. Moreover, people who cheat with other peoples' spouses are: cruel. Sleeping with her husband, or with another man's wife, is*the* most vicious, hurtful, spiteful, cruel thing one can do.
I'm delighted at the discussion on this blog, I found it while grappling with my own jealousy, suspicions, thoughts about what role infidelity plays in marriage. The simple answer is none. But as they say, yin defines yang, no light without darkness. I am not a proponent of infidelity, and have, in my own personal experience, literally seen both sides.
My own past marriage was half past dead when I fell in love with someone else, and without making excuses, I can understand with forgiveness for all involved, why it happened. Yet regardless of this forgiveness for myself even, to this day I still regard it as something I wish I was able to overcome and avoid. I would not recommend it to anyone, but in my situation, one of the factors which pushed it was the fact that I literally had no one else.
I think today, more than ever, we look to our spouses for things, the community, the church, our families and friends used to provide. Our marriages have to be the deepest wells and sometimes we exhaust it to the point of dryness then we get mad because we find out we're both human and can only go so far.
I point this out to say that infidelity is not an inevitable destination. It is the other side of all you may aspire for in marriage, and it is the reminder, the boogeyman if you will, that reminds you to choose your partner over and over again through time, to act towards supporting that choice, to say no, when you're tempted to say yes.
The more time passes, the prouder I feel that I moved past it, that my "payment" was an intense lesson in understanding myself, life and love. I don't regret the isolation, or the fire I went through. Saying infidelity is part of being French was weak on your ex-wife's part. It is never nothing, even when you pretend it to be.
I do agree that we live in an age of exceptional exposure to temptation and sexuality, and our thirst for convenience bleeds through to every part of our lives, including our marriages and partnerships. Some have argued that marriages deaden desire, I don't agree. People deaden desire. I think we need to have a healthy awareness of ourselves us sexual, attractive beings, as well as a healthy fear of the consequences of breaking a promise.
The truth is the person you most love in the world can hurt you, regardless of the strongest safeguards, they are individuals you will never have complete control over. As you are to them.
This is what makes love amazing, because everyday you're making that covenant, with or without a piece of paper. Breaking it has nothing to do with being French.
This is all very interesting. I am currently involved with a woman who confessed she was involved with a married French man while working and studying in France. Searching for information on the topic led me here. She explained it as "the French way" and used many of the arguments mentioned in this blog. I will state up-front that I know little about French culture.
I agree with those who say that infidelity is a sign of dysfunctional marriage in any culture and the French may be more accepting that it happens, but that doesn't make it any more acceptable to those that would suffer the pain of betrayal. Proof of that is I challenged her to be open about it with this man's wife and family if the French were "so accepting". Needless to say, she declined my suggestion. Praytell why, if the French are that much more progressing in their thinking?
I am deciding to leave a relationship of four months with a French woman that is Married to an American here in the States. I knew she was married at the time of the affair and I knew her husband as well. I had no intentions of starting an affair with her. Interestingly enough I am not her first nor second...
I do have feelings of guilt. This was the first time I have acted this way and the last, hopefully. I have been in a few committed relationships and have never cheated on the other, nor did I have the urge too.
I being the one on the other end of this discussions feel guilty for losing my morals.
What is the use of putting so much emphasis on something as sacred as marriage if we ignore the promises that we make to the other. "We" should all stay in open relationships. The kind of crap that modern television shows such as "Sex In The City" promote and endorse.
Uncivil Litigator, I think you're absolutely right. There are dysfunctional relationships, and healthy ones. I have cheated, and have been cheated on, but have finally matured and I know that the pain is never worth it.
Better alone than with a cheater, and better alone than cheating.
,I have been reading those comments from a long time and decided to write my views. I have a feeling that people who feel threatened by inidelity are rather inflicted by deeply seated and deeply rooted sense of jeolously and possessiveness. Because this brings sufferings to all concerned. They feel that their spouses are their property & no one should touch them. They tend to forget that human life can not be bind to a frame of certain kind self created rules. You can not take same food every day , every month , every year and years after year. There is an old saying 'Variety is the spice of life'. French society is far more mature and happier than their counterparts elsewhere in the world. Their is nothing wrong if mutual consenting couples have their occassional share of indulgement with the other liberal thinking friends.
Thanks for posting this. Some time ago I had a crazy relationship with a Chinese girl that said the same thing about her culture. She was certainly dysfunctional by any culture's standard. (pathological liar) Anyway what she said, and what I've read about Asian culture, as well as the relationship left me really miserable and confused. For awhile I even thought I should steer clear of asian girls that weren't brought up in the good old US. But the more I read about history, culture, psychology, etc and use common sense I realize that culture is just another situation that effects people, but doesn't change the essential things that makes us human. All cultures are full of all kinds of evils. The only thing that makes us different is the style of the dysfunction. I think because American culture places allot of value on the individual, we get divorce after divorce. Whereas in some other places they accept that they're dysfunctional and tough it out. Its not that we're any less dysfunctional we just deal with it...or should I say avoid dealing with it differently. peace.
Good analysis, uncivil litigator. I do find that dysfunctional people always find a third party to blame for their actions. "Culture" is as convinient as any.
Something you might like to read:
http://www.amazon.com/Lust-Translation-Rules-Infidelity-Tennessee/dp/1594201145
Well, it was all really interesting. I'm not a native speaker so I beg you forgive my mistakes and my not very eloquent discourse.
I'm in a relationship and I've been tempted to cheat on my partner twice. I decided not to do it because my partner doesn't deserve it, but the situation led me to think that my relationship is probably dysfunctional and I can understand the people who have done it. I decided not to do it because I'm not a 100% sure that I don't love my partner anymore and I don't want it to end despite our problems.
I think people that cheat, probably subconsciously, want to end their relationships but maybe are too scared of its consequences. It is an act of liberation (a mistaken one, probably) and the chated on person is also part of the infidelity since that person was leaving the relation to die and not doing anything to change it.
People who cheat are saying 'I want to end my relationship but I'm scared of what will come after'but their need weighs more than their fears.
LOVE AND FIDELITY: WHAT IS THE RELATIONSHIP?
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MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF BEING CHEATED ON
I found my way to this discussion thread tonight due to a certain niggling in the back of my mind, concerning my personal experience with INFIDELITY which ended over 8 months ago. I realised there were certain questions existing, still, under the surface, I was looking for an answer to help understand why for certain people, the truth is so difficult to express.
Mainly based on instinct, I confronted my partner about my hunch that he was being unfaithful. It was only 4 months into an intense relationship, mainly accelerated by him, into a very close ‘love story’. I was in love, but maybe this was moving too fast for me. After his denial, I believed him, after all - why would he push so hard for intimacy, if he did not really love me? By the 6 month stage we were open with each other. We had expressed our love; we both said we wanted to be together exclusively. After 18 months, after a direct confrontation, he admitted that he had cheated on me with several others on many occasions.
He said he was sorry, but could not explain why. And WHY he had lied to me could have been explained by many theories: a need for; new desire over the familiar, change over constancy, a fear of commitment, need to find true love whilst staying in a secure zone, or issues with self esteem which he spoke of often. I could not help thinking: ‘I was right about his lies, a year ago’.
I have always been a strong and confident person, but in those last few weeks prior to challenging him, I thought I must be crazy to think he was cheating whilst still being so attentive. Self doubt created by him. 2 weeks after the truth came out, thinking back on the all the self doubt and loss of self esteem, despite my love, despite his claims to love, I broke off our relationship.
Now, all the pain and self doubt have been replaced by happiness and confidence. After nearly a year, I feel a restored faith in people, I feel clear about WHAT I PERSONALLY BELIEVE LOVE IS ‘from my perspective’. I came here tonight to see if anyone else had a view on love and fidelity.
RESPECT: TO THOSE WHO HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
I would like to thank everyone for their opinions on this blog site. I see that there are so many angles on love and fidelity (although this is not the direct question being addressed by the author, I think it is inextricably linked to answer). I have read many different people’s views; from the conservative to the liberal, on hedonism versus ‘love for a heart’, from the victims to the perpetrators. It has made me think a lot tonight and helped to contribute to some general comments and certain personal opinions that I would like to share, in respect, for those who have dedicated time here over time.
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THE FRENCH AND FIDELITY: LOVE/ FIDELITY RELEVENCE TO THIS QUESTION
I would like to address the author:
I am sorry about what happened with your ex-wife. However reading your comments I am so happy to hear you say that you have NOT CHANGED. Unfortunately for some, after a bad experience they DO change, they loose their value system. The good side to a bad experience is that it is a challenge that tests us; it helps to give a perspective, to ask questions that maybe we never even thought of.
To respond directly, I completely agree with you: I think that TRUE MARRIAGE means fidelity and that infidelity is dysfunctional to marriage. If anyone made the promise on that day to be faithful to their partner, dishonesty, the truth was absent from the start. On the other hand, if the relationship deteriorated for whatever reason, and fidelity seemed infeasible, at this point, the partner should have communicated this. Nobody should ever have to experience a lie no matter what the reason is. It is simple: THE TRUTH is central to love and marriage. A LIE destroys everything in the end, no matter what anyone does.
Concerning the ‘French excuse’, I agree that even if the projected perception is that the French condone infidelity due to human nature, my personal experience living here for 15 years and in the UK and elsewhere in Europe, LIES DESTROY LOVE RELATIONSHIPS. It is too convenient to wheel in this pith as a cover up for failures in honesty.
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OPEN RELATIONSHIPS
In response to those discussing the human nature to be polygamous: If both parties disclose the desire to be ‘open’ in a relationship to ‘other experiences’ it is their joint right to design this type of relationship, NEW MODERN WORLD DISCLOSED, whether it constitutes love or marriage is debatable, but nonetheless a declared open relationship can be honest, and no lies permit trust to prevail; TRUST is the centre required to fuel any type of relationship.
But if only one person conducts an open relationship, it is deceptive; it destroys the trust and kills the journey. This is dysfunctional.
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TRANSPARENCY: to Mr. 50 percent of marriages fail today.
Perhaps marriage is the end product of societal forces of survival and necessity. Maybe chemistry is not on our side, inherently there may be chemicals that promote desire over nurture. And; perhaps the monogamous dynamic has been ECLIPSED by the modern world’s development of independence.
Hmmmm.
In this movement … , perhaps now liberal views can be re-instigated by us all, BUT in a 2 person relation, 2 PEOPLE MUST AGREE ON THE TERMS. That means BOTH people must be clear and TRANSPARENT. i.e. let both partners say on their wedding day ‘this is a joke’, rather than one person being made the victim of ‘a joke’.
I have read your review, proposing that to live a life within the constraints of a one partner relationship is not statistically viable, and that it may be the ‘nature of the human race’ to be more open-minded. Again, this is debatable, after, you look behind those blazé declarations for freedom from the ‘the dark ages’ paradigm of monogamy towards enlightenment, one might ask what exactly is the substance of the relationship left behind?
:)
If there is no transparency; LIES CREATE PAIN in the process.
You would raise your glass of wine to those more open-minded to the concept of polygamy. This is to be saluted, PROVIDED those ‘enlightened’ polygamists would permit the same freedom rights to their own spouses: in these instances when they are covert, believe me, when they hide their desires, they are ENTRAPPED by their own FEAR , fear of the SAME PAIN potentially inflicted on themselves, that they self-righteously claim does not exist in the enlightened world. Such HYPOCRISY!
Yes it’s an option to be polygamous, but let us declare it BEFORE the marriage and see if that passes approval.
:)
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TO CINDY
Your posting has touched me the most.
In fact it was on reading what you said that I chose to enter my comments tonight. You are looking for the right path; you have been subjected to a disorientating force and still hold a candle to the wind for inspiration.
Good for you :)
Hope will lead you to the right path one day if hope is driving you now today.
You are not ugly just because someone lied to you, just unlucky. But, sometimes, we must take our own destiny into our own hands.
In my view, LOVE IS about honour and responsibility, it encompasses passion and fun and the unknown, but it cannot function without truth. If you are experiencing HAPPINESS go for this guy, but honestly, never forget love is not there without as you said HAPPINESS.
Are you HAPPY?
My sister helped me fix my whole life on that single question.
As she said to me: ‘we are not here for a LONG time, we are here for a GOOD time; are you happy?’ that is the simple question; it will take you where you want to go.
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I hope that I have not been to ‘full on’ here tonight.
But I can only say that this is an expression aimed not only at release but also for learning.
I am happy to know LOVE.
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Thank you
Please do not hesitate to email me if you have any comments
:)
thebrightwhite@hotmail.com
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